Feh. Her parent's don't believe me because they can't find any wine missing.
My headache grew into a soar throat, if that's even possible. I drank more hot chocolate and yelled at myself for being a bad vegetarian while I dug for marshmallows in the box of lucky charms.
I love October. Candy, pretty leaves, an excuse for dressing up as a freak (not that I need one), the smell of pumpkins ALL THE TIME. Fall is prettier here than in New York. There's more trees to appreciate.
This month would be even more wonderful if I could erase October 16th off the calendar.
Kai was not in school today. I don't know if I should worry or not.
10.14.2008
- How am I feeling right now and why?
Tired. I didn't sleep enough last night, though I never do. Even if I go to bed early, I'll wake up too early. If I go to bed later, I'll still wake up too early. When I do somehow get 'enough' sleep, I'm still exhausted. I think there might be something wrong with me since I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be tired all the time, but what do I know? I'm not a doctor.
I'm also in pain. My back hurts from sleeping on it weird and I guess my neck hurts for the same reason. Also, my mattress sucks.My headache hasn't gone away yet. It now hurts right below my eye as well, and my throat hurts though I'm sure that's completely unrelated.
I feel nostalgic because I'm remembering what I used to be like when I was letting Miss Greene control my brain more. Which isn't her fault, I just wanted to please her because I had a crush on her. So I became a weird-ass scene kid. Worse than she was. I remember finding my old diary from around that time and being disgusted. Also, I listened to my walk man today. New music, same device.
I'm upset because her parents don't believe me. I'm also upset because it's almost my birthday and my birthday makes me sad. Also, I'm still a girl. I wish I could tell my parents I'm a boy, but I don't know how to explain that to them. Plus, what if they kick me out? That'd be bad. Also, I'm too sensitive. Miss Barnes keeps teasing me and it's really making me sad. Also, my entire German class makes fun of me. I guess thats not such a huge thing since my german class is only 5 people, one of which being me, another being Cheyenne.
I feel lonely because I can't relate to anyone anymore. I don't know how. Maybe Miss Becca, but I've never actually talked to her. I only know things I've learned in her blog. Also Miss Lex but only because she's also very eccentric. It's hard to relate to her though because she's 100 times more awesome than I am. And I've only talked to her a few times.
I feel hot. Temperaturewise, not in appearance. It's not supposed to be this warm in autumn.
I'm excited because I'm going to a meeting at the library tomorrow and get to see my favourite librarian who gives good advice and almost knows my secret and could probably guess if she wanted to, but probably wouldn't because she's like that.
I'm worried because Hope will be at the library and so will Carlin and Hope found out that I have a girlfriend and she's very religious so I'm scared she'll hate me. If she told Carlin, she might hate me too, but maybe less than Hope. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit.
Note to self: bring home library book that's been rotting in my locker for a week.
I'm also in pain. My back hurts from sleeping on it weird and I guess my neck hurts for the same reason. Also, my mattress sucks.My headache hasn't gone away yet. It now hurts right below my eye as well, and my throat hurts though I'm sure that's completely unrelated.
I feel nostalgic because I'm remembering what I used to be like when I was letting Miss Greene control my brain more. Which isn't her fault, I just wanted to please her because I had a crush on her. So I became a weird-ass scene kid. Worse than she was. I remember finding my old diary from around that time and being disgusted. Also, I listened to my walk man today. New music, same device.
I'm upset because her parents don't believe me. I'm also upset because it's almost my birthday and my birthday makes me sad. Also, I'm still a girl. I wish I could tell my parents I'm a boy, but I don't know how to explain that to them. Plus, what if they kick me out? That'd be bad. Also, I'm too sensitive. Miss Barnes keeps teasing me and it's really making me sad. Also, my entire German class makes fun of me. I guess thats not such a huge thing since my german class is only 5 people, one of which being me, another being Cheyenne.
I feel lonely because I can't relate to anyone anymore. I don't know how. Maybe Miss Becca, but I've never actually talked to her. I only know things I've learned in her blog. Also Miss Lex but only because she's also very eccentric. It's hard to relate to her though because she's 100 times more awesome than I am. And I've only talked to her a few times.
I feel hot. Temperaturewise, not in appearance. It's not supposed to be this warm in autumn.
I'm excited because I'm going to a meeting at the library tomorrow and get to see my favourite librarian who gives good advice and almost knows my secret and could probably guess if she wanted to, but probably wouldn't because she's like that.
I'm worried because Hope will be at the library and so will Carlin and Hope found out that I have a girlfriend and she's very religious so I'm scared she'll hate me. If she told Carlin, she might hate me too, but maybe less than Hope. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit.
Note to self: bring home library book that's been rotting in my locker for a week.
10.13.2008
If anyone has an axe that I can borrow, I'd be grateful. I think there must be something jumping around in my head because I've head a headache all weekend. It went away for an hour last night after I ate dinner, but it came back while I was reading ghost stories.
Now I'm drinking two year old hot chocolate. I think it's two years old. I'm pretty sure that we didn't buy any last winter. It tastes pretty good though. I wish I had some vegan marshmallows. October isn't right without marshmallows. They're more important now than in winter, because in winter I'll be too busy shivering to appreciate them.
She seems happy. Well, she did on Saturday when I saw her. We went on a field trip with ecology club to the stream at one of the parks. The chaperone that that drove us there was crazy, in a good way. She's a guidance councilour at the high school. She says she goes to board meetings to yell at the principal a lot. She fought the no hooded clothing allowed in school rule for us. The superintendent left a message on her answering machine apologizing. I told her about Kai and she said he should sue the school and maybe contact ACLU. She made cookies. She put weird music on really loud and sang along into a hairbrush, embarrassing her daughter. On hills she took her hands off the wheel and threw them in the air, yelling like on a roller coaster. She said she's never gotten into an accident because of that. She told us stories about her equally wacky family.
The ecology club adviser gave some kids waders. Mine were size 12 and I waddled around for a while before deciding that no matter how big my feet seemed, they weren't /that/ big. So I gave them to someone else and ran around on pointy, slipper rocks barefoot. I learned that streams are really cold in October. Kris told me there was broken glass, but I took my chances. I was too lazy to go all the way up the hill and find my shoes.
Now I'm drinking two year old hot chocolate. I think it's two years old. I'm pretty sure that we didn't buy any last winter. It tastes pretty good though. I wish I had some vegan marshmallows. October isn't right without marshmallows. They're more important now than in winter, because in winter I'll be too busy shivering to appreciate them.
She seems happy. Well, she did on Saturday when I saw her. We went on a field trip with ecology club to the stream at one of the parks. The chaperone that that drove us there was crazy, in a good way. She's a guidance councilour at the high school. She says she goes to board meetings to yell at the principal a lot. She fought the no hooded clothing allowed in school rule for us. The superintendent left a message on her answering machine apologizing. I told her about Kai and she said he should sue the school and maybe contact ACLU. She made cookies. She put weird music on really loud and sang along into a hairbrush, embarrassing her daughter. On hills she took her hands off the wheel and threw them in the air, yelling like on a roller coaster. She said she's never gotten into an accident because of that. She told us stories about her equally wacky family.
The ecology club adviser gave some kids waders. Mine were size 12 and I waddled around for a while before deciding that no matter how big my feet seemed, they weren't /that/ big. So I gave them to someone else and ran around on pointy, slipper rocks barefoot. I learned that streams are really cold in October. Kris told me there was broken glass, but I took my chances. I was too lazy to go all the way up the hill and find my shoes.
10.08.2008
No. No. NO. Not again. How can she do this again? I need to help her but I don't know how. I need to find her sister but her sister isn't even home and even if she was, I don't have her phone number. I don't know if I can wait until tomorrow. HOW CAN SHE DOES THIS AGAIN? I thought she was getting better. She was getting medicine. She was going to therapy and she seemed happy and I got her help. And she's messing up again. I got her to stop cutting. I told her sister about the getting high. She told her mother. Her parents are both therapists. They should be able to help her!
I think she's drunk. Or atleast tipsy. She had two glasses of wine. I don't know if she's had more since she told me. She's small as hell so I'm sure that she must be drunk. I don't know what to do. I'll tell her sister tomorrow. This time she'll know it was me. I don't know how to help her any other way. I want to hold her but I'm scared to hurt her even more.
I don't know why she keeps doing this.
I think she's drunk. Or atleast tipsy. She had two glasses of wine. I don't know if she's had more since she told me. She's small as hell so I'm sure that she must be drunk. I don't know what to do. I'll tell her sister tomorrow. This time she'll know it was me. I don't know how to help her any other way. I want to hold her but I'm scared to hurt her even more.
I don't know why she keeps doing this.
9.30.2008
We heard the organ music again today. I hope it is a regular occurence because it really does make science class (my least favourite class) more interesting. My science teacher was explaining how to get something's volume if you have it's density and mass. I totally knew how to do it before he started. When it was over I couldn't figure out what the HELL he was talking about. So I'm probably going to fail that test.
Today Jill sat next to me on the bus. She knew I'd freak out. She was one of the people who tormented me when Frank outed me. She sat down and I instinctively curled up into a ball and pushed my headphones really hard against my ears and closed my eyes. I use music as a coping device. I went to peek out to see if she'd left and her face was about 1/3 of an inch away from mine. I yelped.
I'm finally completely caught up with my photo a day for a year project. I keep taking pictures and then forgetting to upload them. But it's all good now (well...except for today).
I ate lunch today to make Emily happy. I don't want her to worry about me. She has enough issues.
Kayla, my friend from 6th grade, it now lecturing me on why I should date males rather than females. I've been laughing hysterically the entire conversation. She really changed. Oh well.
Today Jill sat next to me on the bus. She knew I'd freak out. She was one of the people who tormented me when Frank outed me. She sat down and I instinctively curled up into a ball and pushed my headphones really hard against my ears and closed my eyes. I use music as a coping device. I went to peek out to see if she'd left and her face was about 1/3 of an inch away from mine. I yelped.
I'm finally completely caught up with my photo a day for a year project. I keep taking pictures and then forgetting to upload them. But it's all good now (well...except for today).
I ate lunch today to make Emily happy. I don't want her to worry about me. She has enough issues.
Kayla, my friend from 6th grade, it now lecturing me on why I should date males rather than females. I've been laughing hysterically the entire conversation. She really changed. Oh well.
9.29.2008
LOVE
LOVE
I love being able to see my breath during winter. I love how snow feels in your hand. I love tennis. I love gym class and actually miss it, as much as I deny it. I love tech class because I get to do nothing despite my complaints. I love algebra because it makes me feel smart. I love sitting with Kai because he doesn't pressure me to talk or smile. I love being with my friends at lunch. I love ecology club. I love sitting with Olivia on the bus. I love my tree, Sinseah. I love Emily. I love Vanessa. I love when she looks me in the eye even though I look away so quickly.
I love the bus ride. I love having to wake up at 5:45 in the morning. I love how the early morning looks just before the sun comes up. I love being able to talk to the librarian. I love reading. I love the library. I love art class. I love Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer and Brian Froud. I love the owner of that cute little gnome shop in boston, in a friend sort of way. I love Boston. I love being able to travel with my grandmother. I love cape cod.
I love Brittany. I love Mike who talked to me on the bus today. I love that my parents don't abuse me. I love that I have so many people that care about me. I love how kissing Emily felt. I love walking barefoot around the neighbourhood with Margo. I love that people look at us weird. I love the attention I get. I love lucky charms even though I really shouldn't eat them. I love saving the marshmallows for last. I love Brittany's teacher for making her do a dance to lure the fish. I love that someone recorded it and is putting it on youtube. I love finding other people who like things I like. I love that no matter where I go I find people like that.
I love tie-dye. I love rainbows. I love my shoes. I love the concept of love. I love singing at the top of my lungs at 8am. I love lakes. I love swimming. I love how my hair looks curly. I love tea, especially indian spice chai tea with just a little bit of fresh honey. I love english accents. I love that my uncle gets to travel. I love german class. I love the small bits of yiddish I know. I love that I can write whenever I want. I love having friends. I love that my friends like me. I love that they know my secrets and accept it even if they don't understand. I love protecting people. I love arguing and debating. I love my colour choices on blogger. I love that in tech class google videos isn't blocked. I love that my parents don't control what music I listen to or what I read. I love having such a diverse group of friends. I love that my english teacher knows who ben folds is. I love popcorn. I love the colour purple.
I love feet. I love kai's fingers. I love Andrew's afro because it's just so god damn fluffy! I love how my hair looked with purple in it. I love closepins. I love my dogs. I love rolling in grass. I love leaning against trees. I love breathing. I love how long this is. I love that I still love things even after everything. I love Speak. I love speaking. I love being quiet. I love quiet moments where it's okay to be quiet and you're just existing with another person. I love that maybe obama will win and this country will have a chance. I love that my parents don't come into the library which I consider my special place. I love the library in school because it has books by Neil Gaiman. I love centered text because it makes it move out and it looks cool if you know what I mean. I love that I phrase things so awkwardly. I love not thinking before I speak because it means I'm being honest.
I love being able to tell the truth sometimes. I love this colour because it's bright and happy. I love spelling color like colour. I love British spellings of words, especially aeroplane. I love the name Yolanda even though it's quite weird. I love when technology acts weird in a good way. I love knowing how to fix things. I love trees. I love tofu. I love pasta. I love being an italian. I love everyone spelling my name wrong. I love that Frank can make me smile still. I love that I can smile on my own. I love smiling. I love the New Zealand flag. I like the little spell check button on blogger. I love keyboard shortcuts. I love the sun. I love being so pale.
I love giant puffy rising pancakes. I love french toast. I love toast. I love breakfast! I love chinese food. I love cutting my toenails. I love laughing, especially when it's 400 times in a row and I actually count. I love chocolate. I love peace signs. I love that Jill doesn't bother me anymore. I love that Olivia is getting better. I love that Evelyn hasn't gotten completely fed up with me asking "HOWS OLIVIA?!" every time I see her. I love accordians. I love piano. I love the moon. I love stars. I love fantasy. I love the dark. I love freaking myself out. I love freaking other people out. I love the key that I wear. I love all keys. I love Beth. I love being early. I love the fall and spring. I love cool weather and I love wind.
I love being able to see my breath during winter. I love how snow feels in your hand. I love tennis. I love gym class and actually miss it, as much as I deny it. I love tech class because I get to do nothing despite my complaints. I love algebra because it makes me feel smart. I love sitting with Kai because he doesn't pressure me to talk or smile. I love being with my friends at lunch. I love ecology club. I love sitting with Olivia on the bus. I love my tree, Sinseah. I love Emily. I love Vanessa. I love when she looks me in the eye even though I look away so quickly.
I love the bus ride. I love having to wake up at 5:45 in the morning. I love how the early morning looks just before the sun comes up. I love being able to talk to the librarian. I love reading. I love the library. I love art class. I love Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer and Brian Froud. I love the owner of that cute little gnome shop in boston, in a friend sort of way. I love Boston. I love being able to travel with my grandmother. I love cape cod.
I love Brittany. I love Mike who talked to me on the bus today. I love that my parents don't abuse me. I love that I have so many people that care about me. I love how kissing Emily felt. I love walking barefoot around the neighbourhood with Margo. I love that people look at us weird. I love the attention I get. I love lucky charms even though I really shouldn't eat them. I love saving the marshmallows for last. I love Brittany's teacher for making her do a dance to lure the fish. I love that someone recorded it and is putting it on youtube. I love finding other people who like things I like. I love that no matter where I go I find people like that.
I love tie-dye. I love rainbows. I love my shoes. I love the concept of love. I love singing at the top of my lungs at 8am. I love lakes. I love swimming. I love how my hair looks curly. I love tea, especially indian spice chai tea with just a little bit of fresh honey. I love english accents. I love that my uncle gets to travel. I love german class. I love the small bits of yiddish I know. I love that I can write whenever I want. I love having friends. I love that my friends like me. I love that they know my secrets and accept it even if they don't understand. I love protecting people. I love arguing and debating. I love my colour choices on blogger. I love that in tech class google videos isn't blocked. I love that my parents don't control what music I listen to or what I read. I love having such a diverse group of friends. I love that my english teacher knows who ben folds is. I love popcorn. I love the colour purple.
I love feet. I love kai's fingers. I love Andrew's afro because it's just so god damn fluffy! I love how my hair looked with purple in it. I love closepins. I love my dogs. I love rolling in grass. I love leaning against trees. I love breathing. I love how long this is. I love that I still love things even after everything. I love Speak. I love speaking. I love being quiet. I love quiet moments where it's okay to be quiet and you're just existing with another person. I love that maybe obama will win and this country will have a chance. I love that my parents don't come into the library which I consider my special place. I love the library in school because it has books by Neil Gaiman. I love centered text because it makes it move out and it looks cool if you know what I mean. I love that I phrase things so awkwardly. I love not thinking before I speak because it means I'm being honest.
I love being able to tell the truth sometimes. I love this colour because it's bright and happy. I love spelling color like colour. I love British spellings of words, especially aeroplane. I love the name Yolanda even though it's quite weird. I love when technology acts weird in a good way. I love knowing how to fix things. I love trees. I love tofu. I love pasta. I love being an italian. I love everyone spelling my name wrong. I love that Frank can make me smile still. I love that I can smile on my own. I love smiling. I love the New Zealand flag. I like the little spell check button on blogger. I love keyboard shortcuts. I love the sun. I love being so pale.
I love giant puffy rising pancakes. I love french toast. I love toast. I love breakfast! I love chinese food. I love cutting my toenails. I love laughing, especially when it's 400 times in a row and I actually count. I love chocolate. I love peace signs. I love that Jill doesn't bother me anymore. I love that Olivia is getting better. I love that Evelyn hasn't gotten completely fed up with me asking "HOWS OLIVIA?!" every time I see her. I love accordians. I love piano. I love the moon. I love stars. I love fantasy. I love the dark. I love freaking myself out. I love freaking other people out. I love the key that I wear. I love all keys. I love Beth. I love being early. I love the fall and spring. I love cool weather and I love wind.
I HAVE PROOF THAT MY SCHOOL IS EVIL. Today, at the end of science class when it was really quiet, we heard that creepy evil organ music stuff. Now no one can argue that my school isn't really that horrible. Christina and I just burst into laughter. I don't think my science teacher really noticed. He's so evil himself, the song is probably his theme song or something.
I finished my short story today, though it really isn't very good. I can't write anything decent if I'm not angry. I'm more sad than angry today, and when I'm sad and write it usually comes out as a bunch of emo garbage. I feel bad for whoever has to read it. My parents asked to, but I was like NO really loud. It's about a transgendered kid that's pretty much coming out to his mom. If I can't think of a full blown protest to do, I can atleast do little things like these. I really don't know how my parents would react though, so I convinced them not to look. I bet they check it while I'm sleeping, though. I wouldn't put it past them.
I'm sick of school. I'm sick of being around so many people all the time. I hate being around that many people. Like, I'm just one more kid. The teachers don't care about any of us and sometimes forget our names. Half our classes are boring and the other half won't help us with whatever job we want. How will knowing every single detail about Jamestown help me become a therapist?
Christina keeps calling me anerexic. Seriously, what the hell? I skip lunch, thats it. I eat all my other meals like a good little child. It isn't my fault we have lunch at a simply rediculous time. 10:15 is way too early. It's more like brunch. She's obviously never met a person who honest-to-god needed help.
I finished my short story today, though it really isn't very good. I can't write anything decent if I'm not angry. I'm more sad than angry today, and when I'm sad and write it usually comes out as a bunch of emo garbage. I feel bad for whoever has to read it. My parents asked to, but I was like NO really loud. It's about a transgendered kid that's pretty much coming out to his mom. If I can't think of a full blown protest to do, I can atleast do little things like these. I really don't know how my parents would react though, so I convinced them not to look. I bet they check it while I'm sleeping, though. I wouldn't put it past them.
I'm sick of school. I'm sick of being around so many people all the time. I hate being around that many people. Like, I'm just one more kid. The teachers don't care about any of us and sometimes forget our names. Half our classes are boring and the other half won't help us with whatever job we want. How will knowing every single detail about Jamestown help me become a therapist?
Christina keeps calling me anerexic. Seriously, what the hell? I skip lunch, thats it. I eat all my other meals like a good little child. It isn't my fault we have lunch at a simply rediculous time. 10:15 is way too early. It's more like brunch. She's obviously never met a person who honest-to-god needed help.
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