Feh. Her parent's don't believe me because they can't find any wine missing.

My headache grew into a soar throat, if that's even possible. I drank more hot chocolate and yelled at myself for being a bad vegetarian while I dug for marshmallows in the box of lucky charms.

I love October. Candy, pretty leaves, an excuse for dressing up as a freak (not that I need one), the smell of pumpkins ALL THE TIME. Fall is prettier here than in New York. There's more trees to appreciate.

This month would be even more wonderful if I could erase October 16th off the calendar.

Kai was not in school today. I don't know if I should worry or not.

• How am I feeling right now and why?

Tired. I didn't sleep enough last night, though I never do. Even if I go to bed early, I'll wake up too early. If I go to bed later, I'll still wake up too early. When I do somehow get 'enough' sleep, I'm still exhausted. I think there might be something wrong with me since I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be tired all the time, but what do I know? I'm not a doctor.

I'm also in pain. My back hurts from sleeping on it weird and I guess my neck hurts for the same reason. Also, my mattress sucks.My headache hasn't gone away yet. It now hurts right below my eye as well, and my throat hurts though I'm sure that's completely unrelated.

I feel nostalgic because I'm remembering what I used to be like when I was letting Miss Greene control my brain more. Which isn't her fault, I just wanted to please her because I had a crush on her. So I became a weird-ass scene kid. Worse than she was. I remember finding my old diary from around that time and being disgusted. Also, I listened to my walk man today. New music, same device.

I'm upset because her parents don't believe me. I'm also upset because it's almost my birthday and my birthday makes me sad. Also, I'm still a girl. I wish I could tell my parents I'm a boy, but I don't know how to explain that to them. Plus, what if they kick me out? That'd be bad. Also, I'm too sensitive. Miss Barnes keeps teasing me and it's really making me sad. Also, my entire German class makes fun of me. I guess thats not such a huge thing since my german class is only 5 people, one of which being me, another being Cheyenne.

I feel lonely because I can't relate to anyone anymore. I don't know how. Maybe Miss Becca, but I've never actually talked to her. I only know things I've learned in her blog. Also Miss Lex but only because she's also very eccentric. It's hard to relate to her though because she's 100 times more awesome than I am. And I've only talked to her a few times.

I feel hot. Temperaturewise, not in appearance. It's not supposed to be this warm in autumn.

I'm excited because I'm going to a meeting at the library tomorrow and get to see my favourite librarian who gives good advice and almost knows my secret and could probably guess if she wanted to, but probably wouldn't because she's like that.

I'm worried because Hope will be at the library and so will Carlin and Hope found out that I have a girlfriend and she's very religious so I'm scared she'll hate me. If she told Carlin, she might hate me too, but maybe less than Hope. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit.


Note to self: bring home library book that's been rotting in my locker for a week.

If anyone has an axe that I can borrow, I'd be grateful. I think there must be something jumping around in my head because I've head a headache all weekend. It went away for an hour last night after I ate dinner, but it came back while I was reading ghost stories.

Now I'm drinking two year old hot chocolate. I think it's two years old. I'm pretty sure that we didn't buy any last winter. It tastes pretty good though. I wish I had some vegan marshmallows. October isn't right without marshmallows. They're more important now than in winter, because in winter I'll be too busy shivering to appreciate them.

She seems happy. Well, she did on Saturday when I saw her. We went on a field trip with ecology club to the stream at one of the parks. The chaperone that that drove us there was crazy, in a good way. She's a guidance councilour at the high school. She says she goes to board meetings to yell at the principal a lot. She fought the no hooded clothing allowed in school rule for us. The superintendent left a message on her answering machine apologizing. I told her about Kai and she said he should sue the school and maybe contact ACLU. She made cookies. She put weird music on really loud and sang along into a hairbrush, embarrassing her daughter. On hills she took her hands off the wheel and threw them in the air, yelling like on a roller coaster. She said she's never gotten into an accident because of that. She told us stories about her equally wacky family.

The ecology club adviser gave some kids waders. Mine were size 12 and I waddled around for a while before deciding that no matter how big my feet seemed, they weren't /that/ big. So I gave them to someone else and ran around on pointy, slipper rocks barefoot. I learned that streams are really cold in October. Kris told me there was broken glass, but I took my chances. I was too lazy to go all the way up the hill and find my shoes.

No. No. NO. Not again. How can she do this again? I need to help her but I don't know how. I need to find her sister but her sister isn't even home and even if she was, I don't have her phone number. I don't know if I can wait until tomorrow. HOW CAN SHE DOES THIS AGAIN? I thought she was getting better. She was getting medicine. She was going to therapy and she seemed happy and I got her help. And she's messing up again. I got her to stop cutting. I told her sister about the getting high. She told her mother. Her parents are both therapists. They should be able to help her!

I think she's drunk. Or atleast tipsy. She had two glasses of wine. I don't know if she's had more since she told me. She's small as hell so I'm sure that she must be drunk. I don't know what to do. I'll tell her sister tomorrow. This time she'll know it was me. I don't know how to help her any other way. I want to hold her but I'm scared to hurt her even more.

I don't know why she keeps doing this.